We all apologize for one reason or another. Sometimes for small, meaningless indiscretions, sometimes for hurtful things we’ve said or done, and other times for world-altering whoppers — there are myriad ways to apologize, and I think delving into some is a good way to spend a Friday morning.
Apologies are an important part of being a functional, polite member of society. When you apologize to someone you’ve hurt, you are essentially accepting the blame for something that was mostly, or entirely, your fault — so that the other person can forgive you and move on. In this case, you want to make it clear that you understand why they are upset with you, and make a genuine effort to make things right again.
The most important take-away from this is that you understand THAT you’ve done something wrong, and WHAT you’ve done wrong. The former is generally pretty easy to understand, as your spouse will in some way make you aware of this fact. Probably in several ways, over multiple days, if you let things marinate too long… the difficult part is the latter: Understanding and accepting WHAT you’ve done wrong, because we all have our own foibles and quirks, and it can be difficult to understand where and how you went off the rails. This is critical to understand, because otherwise you run the risk of doing or saying the offending thing again (and again, and again).
DO NOT BE AFRAID to ask what you’ve done. Do so in a gentle, precise manner. Don’t make excuses, don’t argue, just listen. We can deal with whether you agree that you’ve done wrong, we can deal with whether you agree that the wrong you’ve done rises to the level your spouse seems to think it did — these are subjective, and frankly YOUR subjectivity right now is compromised by your desire to defend yourself. So arguing the ‘validity’ of the offense (or your spouse’s reaction to that offense) is going to accomplish precisely nothing, except to make a bad situation worse. Orders of magnitude worse.
Here’s a simple table to get you started learning how to apologize, and when:
In short: An apology is, or should be, a clear and precise acceptance of the responsibility of the wrong that you did, and how you feel sorry that your words or actions negatively affected the other person.
Next…
How to ask for forgiveness
Asking for forgiveness is tough. It requires you to put yourself in a vulnerable position, and it’s possible that you may not get the answer you’re hoping for. Still, it’s one of the most important things to learn how to do. When you’ve made a mistake that hurt someone, intentionally or otherwise, it’s often your responsibility to make amends. ‘Amends’ usually refers to something specific that the person you’ve wrong would like you to do or say; but sometimes it’s simply something from YOUR heart that you want to do or say to express the fact that: You accept full responsibility, and you’re willing to do ________________ to make up for it.
Remember: You’re asking someone for their forgiveness. It’s up to them to grant it. Not on your schedule, not because you think they ought to, but because they’ve decided that you’re truly sorry for what you did or said; you’ve made amends if applicable; and they’re reasonably sure you won’t repeat the ‘crime’. Be patient. You’re not entitled to forgiveness (with rare exceptions).
In my usually-humble opinion, apologizing — particularly within a marriage — is something to be undertaken as often as possible, without hesitation, but with complete and tangible sincerity.