The “Five Love Languages” describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. Knowing your partner's love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated. Author and pastor Gary Chapman describes how to use these love languages to show your partner that you care for them in a way that speaks to their heart.
The idea here is really to discuss not the languages themselves, but how to best deal with someone speaking a different one than you do. We tend to gravitate to people who share our views, philosophies, values — yet they differ on how to receive our love and affection. If I’m an ‘acts of service’ person, then I’m constantly performing small or large acts of service for my wife. But if she’s not the same type, she may not understanding that acts of service to her are my way of saying that I love her. She may not be receiving the message I am sending, which could lead to breakdowns in communication and intimacy, or worse.
The Five Love Languages
Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages" was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other's needs.
That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Physical touch
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Words of Affirmation
"Words of affirmation" is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.
Quality Time
Someone with this love language wants undivided attention. They feel loved if you are present and focused on them when you are together. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, and actively listening.
People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.
Physical Touch
A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.
This person's idea of a perfect date might include cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie. They simply want to be close to their partner physically.
Acts of Service
Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:
Helping with the dishes
Running errands
Vacuuming
Putting gas in the car
If your partner's main love language is acts of service, they'll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.
Receiving Gifts
For someone who uses and responds to this love language, gift-giving indicates love and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it.
People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it's more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.
When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you really know them. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.
Your partner's love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.
How Love Languages Benefit Relationships
We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. Understanding this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships.
Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. Couples should work to learn their partner's love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
Love Languages Create Empathy
As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn to empathize with them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved.
When couples are committed to learning and using the love languages, they increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else's needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.
Love Languages Help Maintain Intimacy
Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately, intimacy—in your relationship. You'll not only learn more about one another, but you'll also connect in deeper, more significant ways. When this happens, your relationship feels more intimate.
Love Languages Aid Personal Growth
Focusing on something or someone outside of yourself leads to personal growth. Loving your partner in ways that are outside your comfort zone forces you to grow and change, and to look outside yourself.
Love Languages Help You Share Love in Meaningful Ways
When couples start speaking one another's love language, the things they do for each other become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying "I love you" in ways that make sense to their partners, who then feel noticed, content, and appreciated.
Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.
The key is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Then, put this into practice.
Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, partners might start keeping track of all the times they use their partner's love language and compare it to how many times their partner used theirs. This is NOT a competition!!! It’s a relationship.
Love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, but you shouldn't use them as games or weapons against your partner. EVER. Some people continue to use their own language (instead of their partner's) to show they care—and that's OK.
You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partner’s actions even if they don’t match your own language perfectly.
The five love languages won't fix all of your relationship issues; they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.
You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your love language to you.
One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other's love languages was that the recipient often didn't recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language. It's crucial that the recipient recognizes their partner's efforts, even if they don't exactly meet expectations.
The good news is that you can enhance your relationship by learning your partner's love language and putting it into practice. And, if you both are committed to loving one another in the ways that speak to both of you, you will find yourself not only deeper in love, but also in a happy, fulfilling relationship.
Translating the Languages Meaningfully
Here are some tips for being married to people with each type of love language:
Words of affirmation: Words mean everything, so choose them wisely. Err on the side of positivity, and communications will flourish. When you notice the good things, say it and say it often. Try not to engage in nonconstructive criticism—words have an impact and leave a lasting impression.
Quality time: Carve out intentional space in your schedule for time together. It could be as simple as going for a walk together outside (an exciting pandemic activity) and having a good in-depth conversation about your day. Leave the phones at home.
Acts of service: Go above and beyond with your actions to show your love. Don't always make it about chores—people have different interpretations of what this love language means to them, so ask them directly what they need. Display vigilance by anticipating how you could make their life easier. Those little acts add up and can make all of the difference.
Gifts: They will remember the special occasions, so make sure to mark it on the calendar and honor the day and your partner with a thoughtful gift. Win extra Brownie points with a "just because" gift. It could be as simple as a hand-picked flower from the garden or getting them a cute keychain from a favorite travel destination. Those small gestures can celebrate the relationship in a big way.
Touch: Tender caresses and physical affection are everything. This love language is refreshingly straightforward, easy to satisfy, and doesn't involve a lot of planning, exertion, or money. It's as easy as reaching out for connection by squeezing their arm while you're watching a movie or tapping their butt when you walk by them. Simple.