Make a Resolution

for a better marriage

Making New Year’s resolutions is a great idea, even if we usually violate them before February… resolving to improve one’s life is generally a good thing. As someone once said, it is better to try and to fail than never to try at all. Paraphrasing that here.

Most resolutions deal with things like dieting, exercise, and other forms of self-improvement, because we are all generally unhappy with some part of ourselves and believe it could use some improvement. Not a problem per se. But as most married people will tell you — there is no surer way to misery in life than to have a troubled marriage. From that standpoint, it’s a mite strange that people rarely make New Year’s resolutions to improve their marriages.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Improving your marriage takes TWO people, and most times, TWO people don’t make New Year’s resolutions — they are usually more personal, as we noted above. Fair point. But I think that the reason is more complex… Most married people would (and DO) pay a lot of money to improve their marriages, because they don’t know how to do so on their own. They think that they have three choices to improve things between them: Go on as they are (inertia), seek professional counseling or therapy, or break up. That’s it.

I think that there is also a fourth option, and it’s one that can be enacted immediately: Find out one or two things that your husband or wife could do to make you feel loved. Ask. Don’t assume you know, because honestly, if you knew and weren’t already doing it, that’s a far larger problem that we aren’t going to have time to address here.

Men and women go through life thinking that what is most important to them is also what is most important to their spouse. This assumption is reinforced by our insane society, which conveys the erroneous message that men and women are the same.

Of course, both sexes want many of the same things — love, respect, attention — but the ways that each sex want them expressed are usually quite different. The moment that men and women realize this, and act upon this realization, their relations will dramatically improve.

For example, most women think about those they love more than most men think about those they love. YES, this is a generalization, but just go with me for a moment here… Most mothers worry about their children more hours per day than most fathers do; and a wife who loves her husband thinks about him more often each day than a man who loves his wife. Therefore, while it may not be that important for him to talk to his wife during the day while at work, it is probably important to her. Consequently, a major way that a man can show his wife his love is to call her during the day.

I know a woman who said that, in order to feel loved, she would like her husband to take her hands in his, look into her eyes, and ask her what is on her mind (and what is going on in her life). Most men — including yours truly, of course — would never think of that on their own. I didn’t, through several marriages. Not until a couples’ therapist taught this to me. Absent that direction, I’d still have no idea.

That’s why it is important for wives to tell husbands exactly what makes them feel loved. They often do not because women generally want men “to just know” without having to be told. But the vast majority of men do not “just know.” We rarely have a clue. That is why women often think of their man as “clueless.” But cluelessness in this area is not a male fault; it is a male trait. As I like to say in such situations, “My ignorance is YOUR fault.” I’m half-right.

When it comes to men’s specific desires, they are usually too embarrassed or afraid to say. Most men are afraid and/or embarrassed to tell their wives how important her trying to look good for him, and having sex with him, are important to his feeling loved by her.

By nature, men generally need three things from a woman in order to feel loved: Affection, attention, and appreciation. But men are generally unable to articulate those concepts in the macro sense, so if they share their needs AT ALL, it’s usually in the micro sense, as I noted above — “Look sexy for me” or “Have sex with me” are more comfortable and more relatable for most men to communicate as regards their needs.

In summary, in too many marriages, women are not telling men what they most want — because of their romantic belief that he should know without her telling him. And men are not telling their wives what they most want because they are either blissfully unaware, too embarrassed, or simply afraid to do so.

If it is too difficult to honestly answer this question — “What are one or two things that you most want me to do to make you feel loved?” — write your answer and leave it for your spouse to read. However you do it, it can profoundly improve your marriage and, therefore, your life.

Then you will both really have a happy new year!