It’s one of those topics which is both real-world and important, yet likely remains unaddressed by the majority of people in this position — being the spouse of a person with extremely low self-esteem. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Low self-esteem is imagining the very worst that other people can think about you.
Dealing with a spouse's low self-esteem within a marriage (or other longterm relationship) requires patience, empathy, and proactive support. It's essential to approach every situation with sensitivity and compassion, recognizing that low self-esteem can deeply impact your spouse's emotions and behaviors — often in a way foreign to you. Open communication is crucial; create a “safe space” (and I absolutely DESPISE the phrase “safe space” with the fiery passion of a thousand suns) where your spouse feels comfortable expressing their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism. Understand that YOU cannot control THEIR feelings; you could speak in a way which you believe is, for instance, non-judgmental, and yet it’s received as judgement from on high. Like a burning bush, only with more venom.
Listen actively and attentively, and offer validation (ugh, another word I completely and thoroughly despise) and reassurance to help them feel understood and supported. Avoid dismissing their feelings or attempting to "fix" their self-esteem issues; instead, focus on being a compassionate listener and ally in their journey towards healing. Understand this: You CANNOT — EVER — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE — fix their self-esteem issues. You can help to soften the impact of some things, you can help ameliorate their feelings in the moment, but you are completely powerless to repair the damage you likely had no hand in creating.
Encourage your spouse to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor — this can be immensely beneficial, for them and for your marriage. Therapists can provide valuable insights, guidance, and tools for addressing low self-esteem in a supportive and non-judgmental environment. Couples therapy can also offer a platform for both spouses to explore how low self-esteem impacts the dynamics of their relationship, and hopefully learn how to effectively communicate better. Bear in mind that it's absolutely essential to approach this suggestion extremely delicately, emphasizing your support and willingness to accompany them on their journey towards healing.
To approach this in the wrong way will be devastating — you run the risk of solidifying the low self-esteem that you are seeking to ameliorate.
Promoting self-care is another important aspect of supporting a spouse with low self-esteem. Encourage activities and practices that foster their physical, emotional, and mental well-being, such as: Regular exercise, mindfulness meditation, engaging in hobbies, or spending quality time with loved ones. Remind them often of their strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities, to help counteract their internal negative self-talk and self-perception. Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small, and offer genuine compliments and affirmations to boost their confidence and self-worth.
Don’t be deterred if you don’t see a turnaround, even after an extended period of time. It can take quite a while for the brain to develop new pathways, which is really what I’m encouraging you to help your spouse to do — learn about themselves in such a way that the old thoughts are tamped down and outvoted, in favor of the new thoughts about themselves, and how they are perceived by others.
Creating a nurturing and affirming environment within the marriage is essential for supporting a spouse with low self-esteem. Be mindful of your words and actions, striving to cultivate a positive and encouraging atmosphere that promotes mutual respect, acceptance, and validation. Avoid criticizing or belittling your partner, and instead, focus on building them up and affirming their value and worth. Engage in activities together that reinforce their strengths and bolster their confidence, whether it's pursuing shared interests, setting goals, or celebrating milestones as a couple.
Addressing any underlying issues or triggers that contribute to your spouse's low self-esteem is also important. Encourage them to explore their thoughts, feelings, and past experiences in therapy or self-reflection, helping them gain insight into the root causes of their insecurities. They will be more likely to open up this part of themselves to someone other than you, at least in the early-going, so be mindful of this, and don’t take offense. Instead, offer your support and understanding as they navigate this process, acknowledging that healing takes time and patience. Be willing to make compromises and adjustments within the marriage to accommodate their needs and promote their emotional well-being.
Ultimately, supporting and loving a spouse with low self-esteem requires a careful combination of empathy, patience, and proactive intervention. By fostering open communication, encouraging professional help, promoting self-care, creating a nurturing environment, and addressing underlying issues as you are able, you can play a vital role in helping your spouse build confidence, self-worth, and resilience — within the marriage and within themselves.
Remember to approach the situation with kindness, understanding, and unwavering support, demonstrating your commitment to their emotional well-being and the strength of your relationship.