One of the main keys to frustration within relationships is the difference between expectation and reality. You could apply this across all of your relationships, really, even work-based ones.
If your spouse tends to be a messy person, you have only two real options for yourself: Understand that you have a messy person in your life, and either clean up the messes that bother you, or don’t — but NEVER berate, demean, or otherwise insult them because they’re messy. YOU knew they were messy — this is not a recent onset condition. Admit that fact to yourself, and then go about dealing with it in your own head, because that’s reality. You’re not going to change this person into a fastidious one (though over a long period of time, it is certainly possible that, provided a good example by you, they can possibly become less messy)… so learn to deal with the messy one.
DROP the expectation that they will be cleaner / more tidy if only they’d listen you, or follow your direction, or felt the threat behind your words. Just drop it. We’re talking here about YOUR valuable mental health and wellbeing. Your spouse is fine! They’re not feeling the angst you are. And forcing them to somehow share it is not only wrong, but cruel, and will likely end your relationship in short order.
If you expect your spouse to be messy, hallelujah! —> they are!! They’ve now met your expectation, and everyone is happy. More or less.
Too often one spouse internalizes the actions of the other, taking quite personally things which could be quite benign in reality. Not to overuse the messy person analogy, but: Just because your spouse is messy and you’re not doesn’t mean they’re messy to SPITE you, or because they’re upset with you. Don’t react as though it’s all about you. It’s not. If it IS, you have bigger things to worry about than the mess. If your spouse is truly, forthrightly hurting you like that, seek professional couples;’ counseling immediately, because there’s something deep that’s being acted out here.
In Al-Anon we learned the Three C’s, and I truly believe these are applicable in a wider arena than simply 12-step programs (and the lives attached to them):
I didn’t CAUSE the problem
I cannot CURE the problem
I cannot CONTROL the problem (or the person enduring the problem)
Accept the other person’s reality, and adjust yourself to it.
This won’t guarantee a happy relationship or marriage, but it’s absolutely a great start. And you can apply this, as I said earlier, to every relationship you have!