Chemistry is temporary.
Compatibility is forever.
Neither one of those statements is FACT, but both are true enough. Referencing a couple of my earlier posts, chemistry is akin to falling in love; while compatibility is akin to loving someone. The former is temporary, the latter more permanent. Falling in love is a precursor to loving someone, and chemistry is usually (though not always) a precursor to finding compatibility.
Chemistry is having to sit through a country music ho-down, or a metal rave, just to get to the intimacy part… Compatibility is staying at home with both of you enjoying your favorite shared music jamming on the radio while you're intimate.
Chemistry is not caring that he had garlic for lunch and didn't brush his teeth, because that’s not what’s important to the intimate end desired… Compatibility is him already knowing what you like and don't like (and brushing his teeth with forethought).
Chemistry is a lit match — burning brightly, but for a short time. The fire which burns brightest burns out fastest. Compatibility is a long-stoked fireplace burn, which you can feed with more wood — or not! — as you desire.
Neither of these things, by themselves, good or bad. Ideally you have a relationship which is a mix of both chemistry and compatibility — the chemistry to keep things interesting, the compatibility to keep you grounded.
Most of the couples I meet through my wedding officiant work have a high degree of compatibility (which is good, since they’re getting married!), but as an outsider to their true relationship, I don’t know the level of chemistry each couple has… it’s literally none of my business, but it does make me curious. I think the right mix of both will ensure long and successful marriages.
BEFORE deciding to even date someone, you should know who you are and what you’re seeking. If all you want is a booty call, then the pool of possible chemistry-matches is quite wide; if you’re looking for a spouse, then the field of course becomes narrower (because you’re looking for compatibility-matches). How narrow? That’s up to you.
First, know thyself. As weird as I find his show, Dr. Phil does have a pretty good process to help you figure this out about yourself (I think we often don’t KNOW what we are actually seeking; it’s easy to say, “I wanna get laid!” and that’s fine… I’m talking about the next level here). His process is, in essence, asking 4 questions in a cycle, and each time you go through the cycle you dig deeper.
The 4 questions are:
What do I want?
What must I do to have it?
How would I feel when I have it?
What I really want is to feel __________________________ (fill in the blank).
And then starting over at the first question again.
Hopefully, you’re honest enough with yourself to answer each question truthfully; and hopefully you’re self-aware enough to be able to discern, after a few iterations, exactly what you want.
YOU will decide the right chemistry-compatibility mix for yourself, after some trial and error. Feel free to report back to me your findings. :-)
And thank you for reading.