You can be too dependent.
You can be too independent.
There are literally a berjillion articles online about the delicate dance needed to manage these seemingly-opposed philosophies, but I thought it valuable to my readers to share my own insights today. I’m really, really, really independent. I need to sometimes be reminded that there’s someone else around, namely my wife, who can (and should) do things around the house, too.
We all know that one couple who does everything together – he tags along to book club, she comes with to watch the game. They share every leisure activity, and rarely attend activities independently. Conversely, you know that other couple that seems to live completely separate lives—different friends, hobbies, and ways of spending their free time. We can recognize this variety and acknowledge there is no perfect way to balance being together and apart from your partner.
Talk to each other about what balance feels like for each of you. It won’t always be equal, and it will change throughout your life together. Maybe you and your partner are engaged or newly married and you are happy, in love, and feel more connected than ever – you’re more on the “we” end of the spectrum. Perhaps you recently welcomed your third child to the family and you have gone back to work fulltime. Your household is hectic and you and your partner rarely get to enjoy quality time – you’re more on the “I” end of the spectrum.
Regardless of where you are, address your current balance and take initiative in the direction you and your partner would like to move.
Questions
How much time, on average, do you spend with your partner during the (work) week?
Does this feel like too much, not enough, or just right?
How does the quality of your time together impact the good that it brings to your relationship?
What are the benefits to having interests and commitments independent of your partner?
Does it help bring you closer to your partner?
How can the balance of togetherness and separateness improve in your relationship?
What do you need to feel close to your partner and still feel independent at the same time?
What does it feel like when you have a stretch of time when you barely see your partner?
In what ways do you stay connected if you can’t spend time with your partner?
Do you ever look forward to time apart from your partner?
Answers
It’s critical to nurture closeness and intimacy in your relationship, but don’t forget to maintain your own sense of independence and identity; communicate with your partner to find an appropriate balance for your relationship.
If you think your relationship needs a balance adjustment…
Start small.
If you and your partner decide that you are too connected – schedule time to do activities independently, even if just for an hour.
If you and your partner decide you are apart too much – make quality time a priority by putting a weekly date night on the calendar, or scheduling Saturday morning as time spent exclusively with each other.
If you and your partner want something different, try adding scheduled time both together and apart.
When your partner brings up an event they want to attend, instead of assuming that you should or shouldn’t go, have a conversation with your partner about each other’s preferences. Decide based on the situation, and what is best for a healthy balance of being together and apart.
Sometimes, you have to attend an event you’d rather not.
Sometimes, it would be better for everyone if you stayed home instead.